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Coaches tell us the same two things over and over:
We view each other as competition and get mad at each other for going hard in practice.
We struggle to come together as a team, and nobody wants to take ownership when things go wrong.
And for many coaches looking to build their rosters: "We keep losing athletes year to year."
If that sounds like your room, you're not alone. These are some of the most common challenges in wrestling. They can show up in any program, whether athletes are new to the sport, new to one another, or still learning what it means to be part of a strong team culture.
This guide gives you practical tools to build connection, strengthen teammate respect, and unite your athletes around a shared purpose. You'll learn why these challenges develop and follow a simple module-by-module plan for addressing them.
The course gives your athletes the tools to grow. This guide helps you create the environment where they can put those tools into practice.
PART 1
Why your team fights itself
Coach Kathleen DeBoer coached both men's and women's college volleyball. In her book Gender and Competition, she saw that athletes tend to get close in one of two orders.
These are patterns, not rules. Plenty of athletes break them. But the pattern explains a lot of what you see in your room.
Wrestling hands out the battle first
Wrestle-offs, the lineup, and hard partner battles all show up on day one. For battle-to-bond athletes, that's the right order. The sport gives them step one.
For bond-to-battle athletes, it's backwards. They get the battle before they've had any chance to bond. Step one has to come from the coach.
When teammates feel like threats, you get the exact problems coaches describe:
Jealousy
Their win feels like my loss. Nothing to celebrate.
Anger at hard partners
You going hard doesn't feel like help. It feels like an attack.
No ownership
Nobody admits a mistake in front of people they don't trust.
Same hurt, different mask
Girls and women
Tend to show it. They speak up, get emotional, or check out.
Boys and men
Tend to hide it. The pecking order says, "Don't complain." So they go quiet.
That's why this guide says athletes. The fixes are for the problem, not the gender.
PART 2
The signs in your room
PART 3
Team building activities
1Know them
MODULES 1–4Know Your Partner
Learn your drill partner's name every time you switch partners. The coach can quiz athletes on who they trained with.
Ice Breakers
Sit in a circle. Share your name, grade, and spirit animal.
Team Values
In Module 2, small groups each create one team value. Post your three to five team values on the wall.
Who Said That?
Everyone writes one fact no one knows about them. No names. Pull two or three from a cup and guess who wrote each one. Keep going until the cup is empty.
Rose, Thorn, Bud
In a post-practice huddle or circle, share something good, something hard, and something you're looking forward to.
The Real Story
Pair up with the teammate you know least. Ask:
- Why did you start wrestling?
- Why are you still wrestling?
- What has wrestling taught you?
- What has wrestling cost you?
- What do you want from this season that people might not fully understand?
Each pair shares one thing they learned with the group.
2Trust them
MODULES 3–6The Huddle Chain
The coach picks one athlete to start. They name a teammate who worked hard and what they saw. That teammate goes next.
Human Knot
Groups of six to twelve stand in a tight circle. Grab the right hand of someone across from you, then the left hand of someone else. Never someone right next to you. Untangle without letting go. If anyone lets go, start over.
Question of the Day
Break up the cliques. Pair athletes by birthday month or favorite color and have them answer a question the coach picks. Start light and go deeper as the season goes on.
Secret Sip
Like a secret Santa. Everyone draws a teammate's name, quietly finds out their favorite drink, and surprises them with it at practice.
Team Outing
One team meal or hangout a month. Celebrate birthdays.
Plan Swap
In Module 6, partners share their competition plans with each other.
3Like them
MODULES 7–8Fill Their Cup
Every athlete gets a cup with their name on it. Teammates drop in anonymous notes about what they admire. Each athlete reads their cup and shares their favorite with the team.
Freshman Breakfast
Upperclassmen prepare and serve a meal to the underclassmen. It shows leadership and appreciation for the younger athletes.
4Fight for them
MODULE 9Partner Vision
Each athlete journals what they need from their teammates or partner as the season gets tougher. Share in pairs.
Season Reflection Circle
"What did this team become?" "How have we lived our values and come together?" Everyone answers, or share in small groups. The coach gives the first example.
PART 4
Two habits that protect the bond
The compliment sandwich
- Correct in private when you can.
- Reconnect after. Even a friendly smile from a coach builds confidence. Açak et al., 2012
Talk to people, not about them
Set this as the team standard. When teammates start talking about each other:
- Redirect the gossip. Ask,
Have you talked to them about that?
orHas anyone talked with them about that?
- If there's a real issue, help them talk it out directly. Don't let animosity build.
- Keep the conversation simple. What happened?How did it affect you?What needs to clear up or change?
- Look behind the gossip. Sometimes it shows up because an athlete feels left out, hurt, or insecure. They need just as much support to work through it.
Troubleshooting
"My athletes won't police values."
They don't have to. You model it. Your leaders follow. The huddle makes it routine.
"This is soft. And I don't have time."
Bonding is what makes going hard possible. Total time: about three minutes a day.
"We keep losing athletes."
Athletes who feel known come back. This is your plan for next year's roster.
PART 5
Your season plan
You build culture right alongside the mindset work. Each module comes with a team activity and a huddle question that match what your athletes are learning.
THE ONE RULE
Do every module together
Meet with your team first and complete each module as a group.
Tap a module to see what to do
Athletes keep course access through March 31, 2027, so every tool is there for the postseason.
Your checklist
Where this comes from
- DeBoer, K. (2004). Gender and Competition: How Men and Women Approach Work and Play Differently. Coaches Choice.
- Coach Bre. Coach Her Game [Podcast]. The Elite Competitor. Adapted from Coach Her Game: the guidance on teammates talking about each other, Question of the Day, and Freshman Breakfast.
- Açak, M., Karademir, T., & Açak, M. (2012). A coach assessment scale for wrestlers. International Journal of Wrestling Science, 2(2), 36–46.
DeBoer's ideas come from years of coaching, not a lab. Use them as a lens, not a law.